In my previous post, I began a series of articles outlining my impressions about the reality of marriage, and its associated risks. This is the second part of that series.
One of the central themes in the first part was exposing how, due to unconscious, biochemical, and hormonal reactions, emotional attachment is artificially generated in a couple, blindly leading them towards marriage.
As I mentioned, this artificial attachment eventually diminishes considerably. Inevitably, it also decreases, and sometimes even disappears completely, that which was the initial trigger for that exaggerated sense of connection: sexual activity.
I want to dedicate this second part to sharing my thoughts on this matter, its consequences, and how it relates to our human nature.
Marriages without Sexual Activity
A “marriage without sexual activity” refers to a marital relationship where the couple has significantly or completely ceased engaging in sexual relations.
This is not an uncommon occurrence; it’s a gradual process driven by various factors (as outlined in my previous article) that contribute to diminished attraction and mutual boredom, both on personal and sexual levels. Consequently, this leads to marital dissatisfaction and a lack of interest in being sexually active with each other.
To comprehend better this phenomenon, it’s essential to recognize that the motivations behind a man and a woman choosing to marry are not identical. Sigmund Freud proposed that, for a woman, a man is a means to an end, whereas for a man, a woman is an end in herself.
In practical terms, a man decides to marry a woman based on her inherent attractiveness, considering factors such as physical beauty, youth, sexual potential, and personality. On the other hand, a woman typically marries a man based on his perceived ability to fulfill her essential needs, such as protection, parental support, and financial provision.
This dynamic doesn’t equate to the woman finding the man intrinsically attractive. In fact, these situations are often mutually exclusive.
Who to Marry
Men whom women marry often fit into the category known in the Red Pill community as a “beta in waiting.”
Generally, women find beta types unattractive and not very masculine, though they often possess other qualities, such as commitment and generating a stable income.
These men were usually overlooked by women in their prime, who were more inclined toward “alpha” men, who are self-assured, dominant, physically fit, and highly masculine. However, as women approach their thirties and realize that their beauty and youth are waning, making it challenging to compete with younger women, they seek to marry these beta types, who, so to speak, were “waiting for their turn”. Even though they do not find them truly attractive, women anticipate that they will provide them with stable economic resources in the long term, will be committed, and will not cause them major problems.
Given this context, it’s not surprising that, once a woman feels she has secured what she wanted through marriage (such as having children and the necessary future support), she loses motivation for sexual intimacy with her husband. There was never a genuine attraction, and with time, she may even develop feelings of repulsion and contempt.
The term “Red Pill” community derives from a concept in the movie “The Matrix” and has become a metaphor online for communities sharing views on gender relationships, sexuality, human psychology, and society.
Dual Mating Strategy
A strategy that many women employ to deal with the contradiction between the type of man they are genuinely attracted to and sexually interested in (i.e., the one with whom they would truly like to conceive a child) and the one they marry is to become pregnant by the alpha male and pass off the child conceived with him as if it were the beta husband’s.
In this way, they believe they can have the “best of both worlds”: superior genetic material for their child from the alpha male and the stable economic resources and parental commitment of the beta male. It’s not a new idea, nor is it an unusual phenomenon. Once again, it’s the species guiding human behavior for the benefit of offspring.
I must add that, due to this, it’s crucial for any man to conduct a paternity test on all his children. Interestingly, in some parts of the world, these tests are illegal withouth the mother’s consent, aiming to protect the child from being abandoned due to potential “paternity fraud.”
Testosterone and Expectations
One of the factors contributing to lower the already diminished sense of attraction a woman might feel for her husband is that, due to natural mechanisms, there is a decrease in testosterone levels in all married men.
The influence of this hormone promotes, among other things, behaviors and masculine traits associated with being manly or masculine, which many women find extremely attractive. If testosterone levels decrease in a man, his behavior and physical traits become less traditionally masculine, even to the point of feminizing slightly. A woman will notice this, consciously and unconsciously, and judge this man as less attractive.
One theory explaining why this natural decrease in testosterone levels occurs in married men suggests that it makes the man less aggressive, thus reducing the likelihood of accidentally harming his wife and children. Nature, once again, prioritizing the well-being of offspring above all else.
While there may be various reasons for a marriage without sexual activity, this situation is generally instigated by women and disproportionately penalizes men, who naturally, by design, have a much greater sexual need than women. This is because their testosterone levels (which also regulate sexual desire) are considerably higher in men than in women—almost 20 times more. Even if testosterone levels decrease in married men, they will still have a significant need for constant sexual activity, especially compared to their wives.
A man mistakenly assumes that by marrying, he will have ensured a lifelong way to satisfy his sexual needs, and that sexual activity with his partner will continue throughout his marital life with frequency and enthusiasm similar to the beginning. This is rarely the case, as he eventually discovers.
If a man considers the potential for sexual activity with his wife as one of the main reasons to get married, while for her, his capabilities as a provider are crucial, it might sound unfair that a woman stops fulfilling “her part of the deal,” while her husband is expected to continue fulfilling his without fail.
In a way, it is, but I don’t entirely agree. It’s essential to consider that everyone is responsible for their actions. Whatever one decides to do, it’s their responsibility to understand what it entails and what might happen.
Therefore, in the event that a man thinks it’s unfair that his wife shirks her “sexual responsibilities” toward him, he should consider that he chose to get married and could have better informed himself about the matter, the high likelihood of this happening, and, in any case, what he could do within his power to promote the opposite.
Hint: it’s men with alpha-type traits who naturally pique women’s interest to willingly, and even impulsively, engage in sexual activity. Sexual relations out of “duty” or “obligation” are not worth it and shouldn’t be the goal. Generating a bit of competition anxiety wouldn’t hurt.
I must add that not only women foster marriages without sexual activity. When a man does, it’s probably because he’s already involved with someone else, or because his wife has ceased to be physically attractive to him. It’s not just about aging, which should be relatively understandable. It could be a deliberate lack of physical care on her part, like losing that attractive figure that her husband naively imagined she would maintain forever.
In any case, a situation of marriage without sexual activity ultimately leads to distance, dissatisfaction, and resentment in one or both spouses. Infidelity, if not one of its causes, can also be a consequence.
Click here for the third part in this series on my reflections on the old institution of marriage.
